Yes, for all my protestations that I will be single for the rest of my life, I've fallen in love.
However, that doesn't change the reality of my future, which is that I will be single the rest of my life.
Because I have fallen in love with a fictional TV character: Chuck Bartowski. (Probably just like many other women.)
In my fantasies, I get to meet Zachary Levi. He's already admitted in interviews that Chuck is pretty much who he is. A lovable, charming, honest, goof-ball with unexpected inner-strength. I fall in love with Chuck more and more each episode. *sigh*
However, Levi is not Chuck. Levi appears to have a lot more goofy energy, is creative and intelligent, and uses words like "cattywumpus", lol. =D
And -- (but) -- according to his IMDb Bio page he's also into skateboarding, snowboarding, skydiving, motorcycles, and most of all, gaming. In several interviews he has said he is currently dating his X-Box. And none of that stuff is really my style.
And I've already gone through having a crush on a gamer. In fact, Levi has a lot of similarities to this other gamer that I had a crush on. Not that I have anything against gaming really, I do enjoy some video games. It's just not the center of my life like it is for a gamer. Which is only a small part of why things didn't work out.
The much bigger part of why it didn't work out with this other guy is because I'm an HSP and freak out whenever it seems that the person I have a crush on might actually like me back. Which freaks him out and he leaves. And so I'm going to be single the rest of my life. Same old story that I've written about over and over and over here in previous posts.
My roommate says that if I keep saying that, Fate will come along and bite me in the @$$. I really really hope it does, because I really don't want to be single the rest of my life. It just seems like that's the way it has to be because that's just a part of who I am. Fate, I dare you, come and bite me in the @$$! (Watch, nothing's gonna come of it. That is the opposite direction on a two-way street I've already walked many many times, and nothing ever comes of it.) COME ON FATE, PROVE ME WRONG AND BITE ME!!
Anyhow, back to my fantasy. I get to meet Zachary Levi, and he sees my inner beauty right away and is fascinated and intrigued, we get to know each other and really like each other, we have a wonderful, warm & caring, healthy long term romantic relationship together.
Yeah, I stopped enjoying or believing that half-way through the second line, too. =( It's the same fantasy I construct for every guy I've ever had a crush on. I've stopped believing in it.
I still love Chuck though. *sigh*
Lately, I've been adding this thought to the fantasy: The guy, whoever he is, likes me a lot, and somehow I get past my self-destructive wiring and/or the guy chooses to stay in spite of it, helps me through it.
Or maybe my "self-destruct" cycle doesn't get triggered at all because he's actually the right guy for once, and I feel calm, confident, and safe in that. (Maybe as an HSP, I can sense far too quickly when it isn't right, but I try desperately to hold on just in case I'm wrong, because I don't want to be wrong because I've put all this energy into the fantasy that he's right, and all of that stress and worry is what triggers the "self-destruct" freak out cycle.)
Come on, Fate. For once in my life, don't let me down.
Don't wish... don't start...
Wishing only wounds the heart...
Dammit, I've opened the door again.
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