Not Alone

OMG, I found the HSP group on Facebook--and the people there, the other HSP's are posting things that match exactly what I've been feeling, what I've felt. I am truly not alone.

I mean it's one thing to read a book that tells me 15% - 20% of the population is like me, and to finally realize there is a legitimate reason behind my behavior--but still wonder in the back of my mind if it's me making things up, being more sensitive than I need to be--and quite another to actually read what other HSP's have written and realize they're going through exactly the same things I am, in everything about life.

Here are some of my own experiences as an HSP:

I freak out at the real possibility of a romantic relationship with someone who actually likes me as much as I like them. Irrational fear takes over, and even knowing it is irrational, I cannot turn it off. I've realized after reading the book that it's my nervous system being over-stimulated, and my rational mind creates the irrational, fearful thoughts to make sense of the physiological reaction. I've come to the conclusion that I will be single for the rest of my life because of this. Plus, I've been alone for so long, it's really hard and scary to imagine being that emotionally intimate with someone on a long term basis. I'd have to really really trust that person deeply, I think. And at this point it seems impossible to get past the irrational fear stage to build that trust with anyone. (This is something many other HSP's are writing about on the group discussion boards.)

I need a lot of time alone. Most of my not-alone-time I spend with my family, I love spending time with my family! I have a few close friends that I will hang out with once every few months, and we'll talk on the phone once every few weeks. I'll hang out with my roomate watching TV, and make small talk with my co-workers sometimes, but other than that, I spend most of my time alone. And I am content with that. I feel much more relaxed, centered and at peace when I spend most of my time alone. (Again, read a lot of this on the group discussion board.) Doesn't mean that I don't get lonely sometimes, or that I don't enjoy group activities once in a while, though.

I need a lot of rest. I cannot accomplish nearly as much as a non-HSP every day. Trying to do too much wears me out. My main focus after work is to rest and be quiet. I'll accomplish maybe one or two things throughout the week, get my finances in order one evening and that's all I can do that day. Do laundry the next day and that's it.

Shortly after I graduated from high school, I used to fantasize about running away to someplace where all I had to worry about was taking care of myself. Not having to worry about making enough money to live on, just being able to take time off to be quiet and rest if I needed it. Not having to worry about what society expects of me, career, social status, etc. Now I know why.

I don't like jobs that require a lot from me, that carry a lot of expectations and responsibility. Those types of jobs wear me out. I don't like massive multi-tasking, it stresses me out, overwhelms me, causes my mind to turn off, and I become frustrated and grumpy and frazzled. I've been that way since I was a baby. If something became too frustrating, I would throw myself onto my back away from the activity. In grade school, I would become so tired and overwhelmed with the homework sometimes that I could no longer add 2 + 2. And my current job entails managing the reception desk once in a while: What a massive multi-tasking nightmare!!

I don't like a lot of noise or activity around me, it bothers me. Sometimes at work if there is too much noise or too much activity around my work area, I can't concentrate or think.

I am very cautious about new experiences, and who I let close to me. I have to be protective of myself because I get hurt easily by the people who don't understand me, who don't realize how sensitive I am. And new experiences can easily overwhelm me and cause stress and fatigue, so I'm catious about which experiences I participate in.

I think deeply about things. Most non-HSP's would say I think too much. But because I am aware of so much around me that others are not, and I am affected emotionally and phsyiologically by these things because I can see so many possible results from what these things may mean, I tend to think about them, work through them, wonder about them, fear them.

I know all of this may sound like a load of crap to some of you. I know my own negative voice is saying, "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Deal with life. Get over it. It's a load of crap." But while some of my boundaries could be expanded with time and great care, there will always be a limit that is lower than what society expects of "normal" people. And I have to remind myself that being an HSP is the same as having fair skin. You wouldn't expect someone with fair skin to be able to spend as much time in the sun as someone with darker skin. Fair skinned people will sun burn in a shorter amount of time, and no amount of positive self talk, personal growth, wishing, dreaming, or butt kicking is going to change that fact. I can't say, "I'm going to spend 4 hours in the sun today, because I've decided I'm not going to get sunburned." Doesn't that sound ridiculous? It's the same being an HSP. My nervous system is physiologically different and more sensitive that the majority of people's.

But I am not alone. It helps to find and be in touch with others who are the same.