Closing The Door Again

After writing last night's post, I have been hiding in bed all morning. Maybe if I don't move, I can keep this hole in my heart stopped up, I won't feel/remember how deeply lonely I am, and my life won't slowly bleed away. (Metaphorically speaking. I'm not suicidal. I've got a career that I'm too passionate about.)

See, what I wrote last night:

"Or maybe my "self-destruct" cycle doesn't get triggered at all because he's actually the right guy for once, and I feel calm, confident, and safe in that. (Maybe as an HSP, I can sense far too quickly when it isn't right, but I try desperately to hold on just in case I'm wrong, because I don't want to be wrong because I've put all this energy into the fantasy that he's right, and all of that stress and worry is what triggers the "self-destruct" freak out cycle.)"

That is the most painful fantasy of all. 

Because I'm just wired to go into that freak-out cycle. The proof is in my past experiences. Because the cycle is not only triggered by crushes and romantic possibilities. 

A few years back, I was taking an adult ed class for fun. The instructor and I connected right away. (For the record, he was gay and married.) Our connection was a warm mutual enchantment and affection for one another, on a friendship level. Sort of a friendship crush, I guess.

At first I was fine, but the freak-out cycle started so quietly I didn't notice it until it had snowballed, and by the end of the class, I had lost his friendship, driven him away. The class was only a month long.

I've also been caught in the freak-out cycle with women friends. The cycles aren't as intense with the women I'd like to be friends with as it is with the men, and I don't always drive the women away, but the freak-out cycles are still there. I've even found myself in the cycle once over a new blog friend. 

So there it is. Irrefutable proof that I am simply wired this way, and nothing can change it. Since the freak-out cycles attached to romantic possibilities are the most intense and the most unbalancing -- the rest of my life gets thrown off track for months during the cycle, and afterwards while I recover. It is better just to keep the door closed. 

Don't wish, don't start, 

     don't hope, don't want, 

          don't think, don't feel. 

Just keep the door closed.

P.S. I realize this sounds just like what every one else goes through while they are in a romantic relationship and then break up. But see, at least everyone else gets to actually have a relationship. I don't. I'm just standing in the middle of this emotionally intense tornado, alone (How can I possibly connect with him while I'm stuck in the middle of a tornado?) watching the object of my obsession change his mind about me and walk -- sometimes run -- away.