I have been so lonely and unfulfilled lately. Not surprising I guess, since I've been spending so much time alone, especially since I began reading the HSP book. I spend too much time on the computer, on Facebook, and for a while there are friends to interact with, which is sort of a band aid for the lonliness, and then they float away. Maybe just temporarily, maybe not.
And there is one friend in particular that I'm still hung up on. And if he reads this, he'll probably never talk to me again. But since he's hardly talking to me in the first place, I've got nothing to loose, right?
I would really love more interaction with him, on AIM, or an MMORPG I've invited him to play, or even just comments or the apps on Facebook. But he really doesn't pay much attention to me, and I find myself sitting around waiting for some small bit of attention. And I feel like the guy that was stalking me: "What part of getting no response don't you understand???" But every once in a while, he does give a little bit of attention, wishing me a happy birthday, a comment on my status, or we'll chat a couple of hours on AIM. But most of the time, it's very one-sided, I'll leave a comment and get no response, or send a message, and sometimes he writes back and sometimes he doesn't. I see on his mini-feed some of the interactions with his other friends through apps or comments, and I'm not included. It is apparent that I value a friendship with him far more than he does with me. And I wonder if the times that he does interact with me are just him trying to be nice, you know, he doesn't really mean any of it, it's just what's polite by society's standards. And at that point I want to just delete him from my friends, because this sucks, it does no good for my self-esteem at all.
But it is so hard to let go, because there was an intention I placed with great care into the Universe regarding this person. I put a lot of positive energy into it. and the door opened for a while. And then my intuition told me that it's not going to happen yet, I'm gonna have to wait a while. So deep inside, where the quiet voice lives, the door is not closed. But looking at what's right in front of me, what's real, how can it not be closed? After hanging out with him once earlier this year, and starting to get to know who he is in real life, I wonder do I really want him after all? Are we really a good match? And I've learned that placing intentions into the Universe is all a load of bull, because yes the door opened on my request, but to all outward appearances it was neither good nor right for either of us.
So I've decided putting intentions into the Universe is like putting money into a vending machine. It doesn't matter what sort of intention you set or if you put positive energy into it or not. "I would really like to have those donuts, but only if it's right and good that I have them, and only if the donuts want me to have them too." You put your quarters into the vending machine and choose the donuts, you're gonna get the donuts regardless of any energy surrounding it, you know, regardless of wether it is right or good for you to have them.
Another example from several years ago: I thought I was ready to find love, so one February, I sent a request out into the Universe with a song called Friendly Star that I played on the piano. Three days later, I received a postcard from a guy who I'd briefly dated 8 years earlier, he was just wondering how I was, where life had taken me. He was the first person from my past ever to re-enter my life. And 8 years earlier he had told me he loved me. I had broken up with him because I was too scared, I couldn't trust that he did actually love me, and besides he lived in Alaska while I lived in California. So this time when he wrote to me, on the heels of my intention with that song -- (Friendly star, won't you kindly light my way, lead me to my lover. Just point him out and whisper "There you are") -- So of course I wrote him back. And he received my letter on Valentine's Day. Talk about signs that something is right and meant to be! I put all my faith in those signs and what he had felt about me 8 years earlier, that he loved me, that he was so certain of it and had stayed steady while I was scared, and that even if things didn't work out romantically, he'd at least be there as a friend for me. He invited me to Alaska to visit him, and I went for a week. We were both bamboozled in the same way I think by the "signs", hanging hopes of a romantic future on the past, and it turned out we were so not right for each other, it wasn't even funny. He said goodbye to me at the airport after that week and that was the last I heard from him. (I tried for weeks after that to call him and write to him, and didn't get a response.) So, again, the vending machine. You put your quarters in, you get what you ask for even if it's not the right thing for you.
It took me years to ask the Universe for a romantic relationship again after that. And when I did, this guy that I'm still hung up on, once again, the door opened on something that wasn't really right after all. There is no God guiding or protecting our requests and intentions. The Universe doesn't care, doesn't have feelings. It's a vending machine.
See what you have to understand is that I used to believe with all my heart, every fiber of my being, that things like Sleepless In Seattle actually happened. True Love at first sight, Disney happy endings. BTW, I hate Sleepless In Seattle, because I know now that it never happens like that in real life. Ever. Plus the character development sucks.
Anyhow.
That was a tangent I hadn't meant to get off on. So back to the beginning. I've been feeling lonely. And I'm still hung up on that guy, or at least the idea, the intention that I put so much energy into. Which leads me to the bigger picture of how an HSP deals with romance, how it seems I will be single for the rest of my life because I won't be able to allow myself to be loved. And I get so deeply angry about it sometimes. Because I've finally got high enough self-esteem that I know I deserve to be loved, deserve to be cared for, I deserve to have someone in my life, a happy, healthy, romantic relationship with a wonderful guy. But I don't see how that's achievable for me because of my highly sensitive nervous system.
In the book she writes that a higher percentage of HSPs than non-sensitives choose to be single. And here she describes exactly my own experiences with romance:
"[Overwhelming, impossible love] ... is usually unrequited. The failure to be loved back can be the very cause of the intensity. If a real relationship could develop, the absurd idealization would cool as one came to know the beloved better, warts and all. But the intensity can also stop the relationship. Extremely intense love is often rejected by the beloved just because it is so demanding and unrealistic... Carl Jung held that the habitually introverted (most HSPs) turn their energy inward to protect their treasured inner life from being overwhelmed by the outer world. But Jung pointed out that the more successfully introverted you are, the more pressure builds in the unconcious... This pent up energy often lands on one person (or place or thing), which becomes all important to the poor upended introvert." --pgs 141 - 142, "The Highly Sensitive Person", Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D
And that is my own experience. I feel happy, centered (most of the time) in my own life, moving towards my goals, as long as I am not thinking about love or finding a romantic relationship.I will turn away from most perceived possibilities of romance because I know it's just me reading too much into the other person's actions and they're really not that into me. I have gotten very good at the sour grapes game and keeping that door shut. But as soon as it appears I have found a real possibility, someone who genuinely likes me back, I fall apart. This is the opportunity of a lifetime, to find true love, to actually be loved back, for once! None of my other goals are important any more, I become desperate, needy, insecure and need to merge with the other, which will never be enough and drives the other person away, and at the same time I desperately need to push them away because I am too overwhelmed, the entire thing is too intense.
And the thing that really frustrates me is that I can totally see what a happy, healthy relationship looks like, and that's what I really want, not this desperate needy overwhelmed intense stuff that I become. I want to have my own goals, be my own person in a relationship, be confident and independent. I want my guy to be confident, independent too, we're happy spending quality time together, but we can also spend time apart, with each of our own friends, working towards the goals in life that are important to each of us. Holding hands as we walk through life, not merged, co-dependent, or clingy. I can see that so clearly, and it's what I want in a relationship. I just don't know how to get through the overwhelmed part. I don't know that anyone would stay long enough for me to get through it. And I am so afraid that maybe , I won't get through it. Maybe the longer the person stays, the more I'll just freak out, forever or until the guy leaves, which ever comes first.
And that makes me deeply angry, the seeming impossibility of it all. But Aron also writes: "You have fallen intensely in love, and it really has ... more to do with how long you've delayed reaching out. ... The best protection against falling in love too intensely is to be more in the world, not less." pg 142
And then it occurs to me that perhaps my loneliness, my feeling unfulfilled stems from actually be lonely, not from not finding love. The happiest I've been in the last few months is when I got to go over to my sister's and play WoW, I met some people online to group up with, and that was fun. There seemed to be a genuine connection between me and one of the others, and that felt great!
But that is it's own double edged sword, as an HSP, it means so much more to me when I can genuinely connect with someone, and it usually doesn't mean that much to the other person and they walk away having no clue that it meant anything more to me, or if they do have a clue it weirds them out, "Why is she so attached already?" And that can turn into a slightly less intense version of the romantic scenario for me.
Anyhow. That doesn't hurt as much as it used to. I've learned not to attach to most people, and if I do get attached, I try not to hold on to them, I just to let them go if they want to go. I've learned to detach just as easily as I got attached in the first place, in most cases.
Plus spending time with strangers isn't necessarily going to fill my social needs either, especially if I have nothing to say, so I just sit and listen, and they don't really want to connect with me because of that, or I don't feel comfortable enough to connect with them, you know?
And I got off track again. I'm lonely cuz I need to be with people. And Aron says it's better to reach out more often. But there have been weekends where I've spent time with 3 of my close friends individually, and by Sunday night I feel just as lonely, empty, and unfulfilled as before the weekend. Sometimes even more so. I had a great time when I was with each of my friends, so my reaction doesn't make sense to me. I don't know if that's an HSP thing too, or if that's just the story I tell myself, that I'm alone and unloved, and people don't really care about me, and that story wipes out the good times I had with my friend almost as soon as they've happened. If that's the case, that's just really sad.
How long has this post gotten? And I think I've been rambling all over the place, so I'm going to stop now.
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