The Rhythm Of My Anger

"Slow dancing,

Moving to the rhythm of

My anger, written in stone..."

--Cowboy Mouth

I have been debating wether to blog about this or not. On the one hand, it seems so incredibly pointless to do so. There's nothing to be done about it, so why bother?

But on the other I feel the need to express myself, that perhaps there's another who needs an explanation, but why I'm bothering on that side is part of what makes me angry, because I never got an explanation, and that person most likely will not read this blog anyways, so why am I putting any effort into at all?? 

But my anger goes so much deeper than that one circumstance, from my past and into my future, the scars that much deeper with each experience.

So the current event that has brought all of this up again, is that "friend" I wrote about previously. I finally deleted him from my Facebook & MySpace friends. I should have done it a long time ago. I don't know if he actually valued a friendship with me at all because he never told me anything. A couple of days ago I thought some things I said may have hurt him, so I wrote him an apology, but he never told me that I hurt him, he never replied to my apology, and instead hid his Facebook status from me. That is not what a friend who values another friend does. They say, "Hey, you hurt me." Or "Hey, what are you smoking? You're over-reacting" But he doesn't say anything to me, just cuts me off a bit. I feel like he did that because he thinks he needs to protect himself from me, that he thinks I'm a little bit nuts, and maybe I am. I feel so emotionally jacked up right now, because being HSP, I couldn't --can't-- even handle a friendship that doesn't even really exist without freaking out. But I honestly don't know if any of that is true because he never tells me anything. And again, that is not what friends, real friends who value each other, value the friendship relationship do.

So, it's very very clear to me that he doesn't value a friendship with me in the same way that I do. And it f-ing frustrates me, and makes me angry because I want a deeper friendship with him, and he never gave me the opportunity to get to know him better. But it's not his fault that I'm not getting what I want. How can I be angry at him for not wanting the same thing I wanted? I am angry with the circumstances.

And I deleted him from my friends because of that, because the door is closed, because I can't deal with wanting more, caring more, putting in more effort and value, when he obviously doesn't want that. Leaving him on my friends list, even without any interaction, is symbolic to me that the door is open, and I can't deal with that idea when it's obviously not. I needed to just let go of it completely.

And this is where the anger pervades into the rest of my life. That is simply one example of a circumstance that has happened to me over and over again. It seems anytime I want any type of interpersonal relationship, it gets fucked up. Wether I seek it out, stumble upon it by chance, or simply ask the Universe to grant my request. I am never allowed to have the relationships I want, the relationships I ask for. I can only think of one time, in my whole life, where I asked the Universe for a friendship, and I actually got a new friend that I still have today.

If someone is brought into my life, as soon as I start wanting to build a relationship with that person, it gets screwed up. In some cases, I know it's because the intensity, the knee-jerk HSP reaction that goes along with the wanting pushes the other person away. In other cases, I don't know what happens. I just seems as soon as I want, I'm not allowed to have. I can only have what I don't really care about, what I could take or leave, it doesn't matter to me if I have it or not. So I shut myself down, disconnect myself from wanting. And who wants to be out in the world when they can't have the friends or romantic relationships they want? So I shut myself down emotionally, shut myself away to avoid wanting, to avoid the pain of seeing what I want all around me and not being able to have it. And being alone and lonely is easier to deal with most times than the frustration and hurt of wanting and not having.

So I am imprisoned, with no way out. Because it is very clear to me why I live the way I do. And every time I try to change it for the better, I get hurt because I'm never allowed to find and keep, to have and to hold. And that makes me so deeply angry. 

Asking the Universe, asking God, is not an option for me anymore, because it never pans out. I mean, look at what happened with that guy from Alaska! I wasn't even asking for anyone specific that time. I just felt I was ready for a romantic relationship, so I asked the Universe to bring me someone, and that's what I got. 

I am so angry right now. And there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do to make anything better. My life will continue to be empty and lonely, and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I have to disconnect, I have to not want, not need, not seek, not feel. Ever.

"I am a rock. I am an island.

For a rock feels no pain.

And an island never cries."

--Simon & Garfunkel